Single White Genderqueer Seeks Unicorn
That’s right. Single White Genderqueer seeks Unicorn.
I have a feeling that’s what my personal advert would be if I had one. ‘Cause it’s not exactly an easy thing to talk gender/sexual identity when you first meet someone, but it’s the reality when you present differently than you ultimately identify.
For those not already in the know, I identify genderqueer. I’m somewhere in between the gender identities of male and female. I present female (though I wish I presented a bit more neutral or even more on the boyish end), and I’m okay with female pronouns being used for me. However, I get a little spike of giddy joy whenever someone refers to me as a boy, from my room-mate jokingly calling me garçon while I top off his glass of milk to friends on the Internet calling me boy occasionally in casual conversation. So! I have a strong inner boy but present much more feminine than a true gender-neutral would.
Add to that my strong attraction to men (and only slight attraction to women), and then you open up a whole other can of worms with trying to identify my sexuality. If I’m somewhere in the middle, does that make me gay or straight? Personally, I do think that I am closer to a gay man than a straight woman, but because I do still have a slight attraction to women, I’m technically some flavor of bisexual. In the long-term, I’d love to be with someone else who identifies male as well (and I’ll freely admit my attraction to the male sex, so while I’m open to non-cis-gendered men, I’ll be honest and say I do like the male anatomy).
I won’t go into a description of my dream lover or anything like that, but in general, I sometimes feel like being genderqueer really does complicate finding someone I’m compatible with. I wonder sometimes if there are other GQ people who feel the same way. When you’re in between two popularly accepted identifications for gender (aka male and female), it’s tough to find people who will understand that the mind is a complex place and that what’s between your legs isn’t the defining factor of who you are. I have girl bits, and I primarily like men. When I walk down the street or pass people in the grocery store, they can tell with one look that I am biologically female. Therefore, most people would say I’m straight if they had to hazard a guess.
But in my head and my heart, it isn’t that simple. If I identify more on the inside as a gay man with some effeminate leanings, then that does change the atmosphere when it comes to finding someone to get close to in a more intimate way. I don’t want to simply be seen as female, but I know most men won’t view me as male because I look female. It leads me to strange places… like being attracted primarily to men who identify as gay.
Yep. You guessed it. I’m the one who might be seen at a gay bar gently rebuffing advances from lesbians while staring longingly at the gay men instead. ‘Fag hag’ is a label that’s been thrown my way before, but that label assumes I’m female and therefore completely undesireable, and that’s just a downright depressing thought to me.
When you identify more male and are attracted to men, wanting to be closer to gay men is kind of normal, right? But it ends up being awkward because several gay men I’ve been around would balk at being with someone who doesn’t have a cock between their legs. I get it; they want to be with cis-gendered gay men. That’s definitely what most gay relationships look like, so I completely understand.
But, at the same time, it’s hurtful to be met with that “Vagina? Ew! No way!” response, as if the only thing that matters in a relationship is where the cock does or doesn’t end up going while having sex. It puts me in a position where I want to hate my vagina, where I start hating my own body, and that sucks. Even if I wish I had something different between my legs, hating what is there can’t be healthy. Any kind of self-hate is negative. I just feel like the societal atmosphere really does push me toward that, though, and it’s frustrating to no end.
It’s ultimately led me to a headspace where I think the most likely place to find someone compatible is in that mystical demographic of bisexual men. On both extremes of the spectrum (gay and straight), there are a lot of people who still believe bisexuality doesn’t even exist. There are plenty of videos exploring this phenomenon, too. Laci Green from Sex+ talked about it, and there are other videos examining the erasure of and prejudice toward bisexuality.
I firmly believe it does exist, not only because I identify thus, but because it makes logical sense for things to never be as simple to categorize as just gay or straight. Bisexual men exist, even if there is a stigma to identifying that way (especially for men, it seems).
But where better to look for someone who would love me both for my feminine side and my masculine side? Where better to find someone who could embrace the fact I have a vagina while also understanding that I want to be treated like I have a cock? Even in the demographic of bisexual men, it might be proverbial ‘hard sell’, since I know a lot of people want to judge based on that first look, that first interaction. They see me, and the light bulb goes off above their heads, telling them I look female. And once that label is applied, it’s hard to shake. It’s difficult to accept that correction of, “Actually, I’m genderqueer and skew more male, so don’t let the outside fool you.” It’s an in-between that doesn’t come with a rule-book, and without that ingrained structure of behavioral normality to draw from, it’s uncharted territory for most people.
It’s scary. I know that. Getting involved with someone outside what you understand is probably frightening as hell. Doesn’t mean the relationship won’t work or that it’s not worth the effort of trying, but it can definitely be scary, and that’s something that a couple hopefully communicates about and faces together rather than automatically hightailing it out of there.
In the end, this post is just to admit I’m genderqueer, to talk a little about how it sometimes makes relationships awkward and in need of extra TLC, communication, and effort, and also how I can totally relate to others who feel like they’re searching for a freaking unicorn because it feels like finding people who understand how you identify is difficult enough, let alone finding one of those people who is actually interested in you and in whom you, too, are interested. To any readers of this blog entry who have felt the same pangs of wishing you could find someone who understands, loves, and accepts you on a deep level? Yeah. I feel you. ^_^
Okay. After all that, you readers deserve a reward. For fun, enjoy the following name generator that sparked the idea for this post in the first place. The Unicorn Name Generator! My results for a name-specific unicorn is below. And yes, I chose to make my unicorn name male. Because I can!
Elm is good-humoured and always in high spirits.
He is as golden as a sunrise,
and he loves to dance on moonbeams.
Get your own unicorn name from the unicorn name generator!