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Signs You’re Not Cis-Gender: #61

June 9, 2015

Sign #61: When you were little, you stuffed the “wrong” area while looking forward to puberty and adulthood.

Welcome to my personal blog series in a project I’m calling “Signs You’re Not Cis-Gender”. You guessed it; the numbers are completely random. These are just little observations I’ll make about my personal experience as a genderqueer boi. They definitely aren’t to be taken as the universal experience for everyone who identifies genderqueer or in the vast trans* spectrum. This is just me. Just little glimpses into my life. And if you glean anything that makes you think about trans* issues or society and how we all relate and coexist (or at least try), then awesome!

But back to the sign for today. This is something very personal that a lot of kids do. When they have this vision in their heads of becoming a grown up, they often try to imitate (usually a parent or other everyday authority figure). For a lot of little girls, this means stuffing the shirt or bra to simulate having fully developed breasts. My sister and I used to do that as a joke, pulling our t-shirts up and through the neckline to form make-shift bikini tops. It was funny and harmless and completely gendered… or so everyone probably thought.

In reality, in the recesses of my room, with the blinds drawn, I would not just stuff my shirt, but also stuff my pants. Koosh balls and socks were best, in my mind, and I would strip to my underwear and push them into position to simulate having a cock. I did this rather regularly, too, and kept the things I used for this gender pretending in a little canvas bag that I would hide under several things in a drawer of my closet. I don’t think my parents ever knew about it. But I loved it despite feeling the need to hide it. I think, in my young mind, just like girls were expecting to develop breasts when they reached puberty, part of me expected to grow a penis when I hit puberty. I never expressed this to my parents at all, but I always felt more myself with those silly Koosh balls in my pants. Should have been a sign. Hindsight is 20/20, I suppose!

Now that I may have ruined a part of your childhood by associating it with packing… or perhaps improved upon it?… I hope you enjoy this new series of posts! I’m hoping I can find little details to share each week, so stay tuned!

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