Signs You’re Not Cis-Gender: #247
Sign #247: When faced with the prospect of buying swimwear as a “woman”, you have the intense desire to buy swim trunks instead of a one-piece womens swimsuit.
Seriously. This was my hell last week. I’ve become increasingly more body-conscious as I explore my gender identity and examine my gender expression and how the two do and don’t align. It took me a couple weeks to even convince myself the need for a swimsuit was prominent enough to actually go and do it. And the whole time, I waffled because I wished I had a masculine chest and could just go topless without there being consequences. I also dislike the way womens suits put an emphasis on the groin because it shows off the fact I don’t have masculine equipment. There’s also the stigma of having body hair. Most swimsuits for women put it out there in a way that makes it really easy for others to ridicule. I’m not saying the suits are to blame for that, of course — that’s the double standard gender bias of society at work, and there <em>are</em> mens bottoms that are equally as revealing — but it’s one of those things I’d rather avoid if possible, so it did have to do with my angst.
Looking online, I found that for trans individuals, specifically FTM, there are options that are chest-flattening and basically amount to binding (see image below). Pretty awesome. At the same time, though, I’m a rather large-breasted individual, so even binders like those would only go so far and would definitely not be comfortable for me. I just yearn to have a masculine chest so I can have the freedom to display it like men do. While running. While swimming. Practically anywhere, really. It’s one of those men-only activities in our society, which is just a terrible double standard (we sexualize women’s bodies like crazy, and it drives me batty, but that’s a separate blog post)… This boi can only wish, for the time being.
Ultimately, I found a colorful one-piece that I’ll only use when I absolutely have to (which probably won’t be often), but I’m still horribly depressed by the idea of wearing a suit instead of having a body that matches my self-image on the inside. Identifying more male than female when your sex is contrary makes little things like this really unpleasant. It seemed like something to share. Totally mundane act that most cis-gender individuals would take for granted. Perhaps I’ll write it into one of my trans* characters in the future. Art imitating life.